Written Survey Reveals U.S. Happiest Country in the World, Last in Reading Comprehension

A recent poll by Pew Research shows that the US is the happiest country in the world as well as the worst at understanding survey questions.

The revolutionary quiz, which aimed to assess all aspects of a nation’s character, featured questions that aimed to speak directly to participants’ souls:

If today, you didn’t feel the opposite of how you’re not feeling, you would be:
A. Lugubrious
B. Effervescent
C. Nonplussed
D. Bad

What I am now saying is a lie. Is the previous sentence:
A. True
B. False
C. I don’t care because I am so happy

Three animals are attempting to cross a river. The evil wolf will eat the subtle sheep, the subtle sheep will eat the evil bugs, and the buzzy bugs and the evil wolf cannot travel together, unless accompanied by the feel-good cowboy, who must travel with the subtle sheep, but only on the first move. I would most relate to which of the following on a below-average day in an above-average month:
A. The evil wolf
B. The subtle sheep
C. The buzzy bugs
D. The feel-good cowboy

While the United States swept the “happiest” and “worst reading comprehension” categories, North Korea ranked “least happy” but also second-worst on reading comprehension, calling into question the true nature of the perhaps-underappreciated dictatorial regime. As usual, Scandinavian countries scored high on happiness, comprehension, and high-horsiness.

Some test-takers expressed concerns over the survey’s mixing of intelligence and emotional questions, but Pew insists on the survey’s accuracy. “This methodology allows us to make even more claims, some of which will probably be right.”