Skip to contentSkip to site index
To see the full newspaper as a PDF, click here.


RFK Jr. Drops Out Of Presidential Race After Learning What Happened To RFK Sr.
On Monday, RFK Jr. announced he would step down as the Independent Party’s presidential nominee, in a decision heavily influenced by learning what happened to RFK Sr.

Forecast: Your Single Vote Decides The Election
After consulting Nate Silver, ignoring his answer, and crunching the numbers ourselves, the Times has determined that your vote will single handedly decide this year’s presidential election.

Boeing Wins Hearts And Minds With New Mascot 'Boing-Boing The Mischievous Door'
In an effort to bounce back from negative press, Boeing announced a new mascot named ‘Boing-Boing The Mischievous Door.’ Boing-Boing has been met with overwhelming support on the Internet.

Nation’s Toddlers Reveal Long-Term Plot To Grow Into Adults And Take American Jobs
On Sunday, the nation’s leading toddlers released a statement outlining a long-term plot to grow into adults and replace the American workforce.

Trump Disqualified From 2024 Olympics Gymnastics Team For 137 Counts of Treason

A Vermont man may have to pay $500,000 in medical bills. We interviewed the Zamboni driver rapidly approaching him.

fuck it: lowercase article

‘Can I Get A Whoop Whoop’: House Democrats Try New Strategy For Raising Debt Ceiling
After failing to play hardball with Republicans, House Democrats have settled on a new strategy for raising the debt ceiling: motivational dance.

Review: Finding Nemo’s Story Is About So Much More Than Finding Nemo

Five Stock Tips That Would Have Been Great Yesterday

Ethicist: Does Kate Middleton Deserve the Right to Privacy? No LOL Next Question

This Conga Line Was Heading Toward A Cliff. That’s When I Knew I Needed To Stop Partying.
I had always enjoyed partying, but I knew someday this habit might turn for the worse.

Is Nepotism Dead? I Paid My Son $300K To Investigate.
Some claim that nepotism is alive and well in America. I was unable to determine whether this was the case for myself, so I asked my son to investigate.

After 3 Long Months, NASA Intern Discovers Cafeteria Table With Life

Some ‘preppers’ stock up on food and guns. This boatsman has two of each animal.

Op-ed: I'm not living in my parents’ garage. I'm in my Cottagecore Shedmaxxing Era.
Though I had long planned to live in my parents’ two-car garage after graduation, a 15-second TikTok clip recently inspired me to change my ways.

Modern-day Feminism: Forever 21 Tells Sweatshop Workers to Make Larger Pockets in Women’s Pants

We Decided To Embrace Clickbait. You Won’t Believe What Happened Next.
To adapt to a changing media landscape, the Times has updated its guidelines to embrace clickbait. What happened next will shock you.

Generation Alpha Quiet-quitting Middle School Band

Our Picks For Who Won Last Year’s Oscars

Inventor Of Peekaboo Dies In Relative Obscurity
The inventor of Peekaboo passed in the ICU in relative obscurity, suffocating under his own hands.

Modern Thrifting: Gen-Z Discovers Stealing Clothes From The Dryer
First they discovered vinyl. Then they discovered film cameras. Now, Gen-Z is coming for your freshly dried clothes.

Misunderstood Free-thinker Looks Directly At Eclipse
At 4:42PM on Saturday, March 30, local iconoclast Trent Bugs stared directly into the solar eclipse with his naked eyes.

March Enthusiasts Saddened But Unsurprised By Arrival of April
In a precedented move, automated calendar systems switched from March 31 to April 1 last night. Across the country, fans of the Gregorian calendar’s famed third month found themselves disappointed, but not entirely surprised.

Letter to the Editor: Hey Boss, Can I Still Work From Home?

Written Survey Reveals U.S. Happiest Country in the World, Last in Reading Comprehension

Sixteen-hour Filibuster Actually Makes Great Point

Trump to Display Subway Surfers Above Teleprompters to Maintain Attention
Donald Trump for President 2024 has announced that the 45th President of the United States will now run a simultaneous split-screen of mobile app Subway Surfers above the teleprompter for all campaign speeches moving forward.

In Latest Gaffe, Biden Reaches For Ice Cream From Turkish Ice Cream Cone Man
Disaster struck last Tuesday, as President Biden’s diplomatic trip to Turkey was completely derailed following an embarrassing gaffe on the streets of Istanbul.

How This Fish With Magical Powers Could Decide the 2024 Election
In the cutthroat world of electoral politics, perhaps no figure occupies a more prominent role than Aquaceum, a fish with magical powers that resides in a shining crystal pool in the National Mall.

Op-ed: Gen Z Cannot Be ‘Caught Lacking’ At The Polls

Putin Wins Elvis Lookalike Contest, All Other Contestants Dead
On Saturday, Russian president Vladimir Putin claimed victory in an Elvis lookalike contest after all the other contestants mysteriously died.