Forecast: Your Single Vote Decides The Election

After consulting Nate Silver, ignoring his answer, and crunching the numbers ourselves, the Times has determined that your vote will single handedly decide this year’s presidential election.

According to common sense, most people’s votes don’t make a dent. Republican in California? Independent in California? Independent? None of those votes move the needle, and by extension, none of those people matter.

“That makes sense,” said one well-meaning NPC when confronted with the reality of his irrelevance. “I always had a hunch that I wasn’t the chosen one, ever since my parents named me Todd and my twin brother Caesareus.” Shortly after this comment, Tod left the camera’s frame of view and was culled by the rendering engine.

Although all of your friends and loved ones are inconsequential lemmings, the Times has identified that you’re not like the other voters. Presidential candidates Donald J. Trump and Joseph R. Biden? Pawns in your game. Congress? Indirectly affected by your actions. World War III? You decide.

Though the Times’s forecasts have historically been accurate, experts predict that the single voter who determines the election may change as more people pick up identical copies of today’s newspaper.